i just don't get it.. : l

a year has already passed since dad's death.. along the way, there were A LOT of adjustments that i had to go through.. i knew from the very beginning that it would be really hard and it would take a long time.. but i never thought that after a year, i have to deal with another batch of adjustments with the other parent,.. my MOM! (and i just hit the keys hard when i typed those bold letters)

i know that one of God's commandments is to obey your father and mother, the 7th commandment i guess.. but there are just those times when you would just want to defend and explain yourself to them, which my mom finds bastos or tubag-tubag... i don't get it.. when she does something wrong even in little things she would always find ways to make lusot even to the extent of irrationality.. i don't get it!.. i find the norms in seniority soooo unfair..

these past few days i have been in several disputes with mom.. we could be so happy talking about random stuff now then seconds after we would end up arguing.. i have been through the stage of rebellion where disputes with parents happened often but i guess i'm too old for rebellion already so i don't consider this as one,.. and this time it's different and worse..

just yesterday, i was happy talking to my cousin about colors while watching the Tyra show which that time discussed about the science of colors.. the expert guest of the show said that those people who love wearing red tend to be high-tempered and are more aggressive.. so since mom loves red, i told her that the expert was right then cause she is high-tempered, and that's just to tease her.. but without hesitations knowing that my cousins were around, she immediately replied, "nganong ikaw dili ka ganahan ug red na MALDITA MAN UNTA KAY KA?!".. then there was the awkward dead-air.. and to think i volunteered to do the groceries that day even without being asked! i was like at the back of my head, "i don't get this.." she had been insisting these past few months in and out of the public that i'm really maldita which i find shameful..

so i thought, okay.. if you insist that i'm bad, i'll be bad! i'll stop trying to be a good child to you cause it won't make any difference anyway.. i nearly sent her a facebook message to tell her this.. but i know that another wrong doing won't do a wrong doing right, it would just make it worse.. and so as always, i just kept it inside me (which for sure days from now would burst out and become tears)..

trying to kick some optimism in me, while on my way home i realized that 'when you feel that the parenting is wrong, don't always go against it cause it would just end up in a fight.. instead, learn from it cause it will help you in becoming a better parent someday..'

i know that i'm gonna be a parent someday (with or without a husband! bahala na! haha! :D ) and i'm thankful that times like these come,.. cause by these i'll know firsthand how it will be like to be in those children's shoes.. :)