There isn’t an exact word in the dictionary that could exactly define how bad I feel right now.. it’s almost 2 months since daddy passed away and everything from that day still haunts me now.. Those traumatic scenes keep on flashing into my head and I’m still trying to find ways on how to shake them off my head easily..
After my dad’s burial and by the time we returned home, I suffered from extreme trauma.. I would not sleep the entire night, for weeks, due to paranoia that my mom might die next, or that what happened to my dad might also happen to mom and we’d all be living without a parent.. well incase you do not know, my dad died of cardiac arrest due to excess bad cholesterol, which they say blocked an artery of his heart.. I’d just leave it at that coz I do not want to dig into details of what had happened.. going back, I spent those sleepless nights crying, looking at my mom and checking if she’s still breathing, and so on.. up to know, I’m still not spared of these very disturbing thoughts but it isn’t as insane as before.. I got out a bit from that paranoia through openly talking about everything with my mom, my siblings, my aunts and uncles, cousins and friends (a HUMONGOUS THANKS to all of you! J).. they did not spare me from their advices through personal conversations, calls, and text messages, even up to now..
Never have I imagined that I’d go through something as bad as this.. Honestly, there were times that I tried to ask God in my head “why us?”, or “why this?”, or “why him, of all people?!”.. But it did not help.. pastors that gave prayer services for our family kept on reminding us that “God has a purpose for everything”.. and for sure, it would be good..
Writing has really been the best way for me to express my thoughts and feelings ever since (FYI: I had been keeping a diary since first grade).. but also, ever since I tried expressing myself through writing, I did not write much about the bad moments that I’ve had.. I love reading my previous journals over and over again and given this, recalling my bad moments is just not my thing; I just hate remembering them.. and that is the reason why I gave this entry its title.. I actually had no intention of having a blog entry about the worst moments of my life but by the time a good friend of mine (who is a good writer..) tried to convince me to vent everything through writing, I gave it second thoughts, and eventually realized that it could help..
I do not know how me and my family could stand-up again after falling so hard, how we could put everything back into its rhythm..
the only thing I know is that GOD IS ALWAYS WITH US..
PRAYER is now our best weapon..
And to my dad, the man who’ll always reign supreme in my heart, may you rest in peace.. thanks a lot for everything!!
WE MISS YOU and WE’LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU..
See you in the next life.. :)